Sunday, November 18, 2012

Giving Thanks {Daily Diaries}

For some reason every year when November rolls around, I always find something to be grateful for. MEANING: I go through some sort of trial. I will tell you a few of my personal trials and hopefully you can not judge me for my feelings.

November 2nd, 2010. I was 13 weeks pregnant. I hadn't been to see my Dr. yet because Jared had just started a new job and we had to wait to the beginning of November for our new insurance to kick in. Waiting to see my little baby was torture! The weekend before, we had just told our families that we were pregnant. Everyone was so excited! As it was to be the first grandchild/niece/nephew on both sides of our family. Anyways. Jared couldn't go to the Dr. with me that day because he had just started his new job. He actually sent flowers to my work before I left to my Drs. appointment. This is what the card said....

He's a keeper :)

   As I said, Jared couldn't come with me because of work, SO I enlisted my mom and my sister to come with me (They didn't hesitate:)). I filled out the paper work, peed in a cup, and got a goody bag full of pregger stuff. I was so excited! We finally were all seated in the room and my Dr. came in and was telling me "Congratulations!" and, "You're the perfect age to have a baby. You're in your prime!". It felt so good to hear.

   Then the ultrasound. He put the cold jelly on my tummy and I anxiously looked at the screen for my little one. He was quiet. He pointed to the screen, "There it did you say you took a pregnancy test?" I told him when I had taken it. He finally stopped the ultrasound and sat me up. "I'm afraid your baby isn't developing correctly", He said, "I can't find a heartbeat. You're going to miscarry soon. I'm sorry. There was nothing that you could've done. Sometimes these things just happen."

   I felt like I was in a bad dream. Something you only see in the movies. I held back the tears. I peeked at my mom out of the corner of my eye and she was crying. The Dr. continued, "I want you to come back and see me in a week if you haven't miscarried yet. Here is a prescription for some pain pills that you can take when you start to miscarry." I kept thinking, this is going to hurt? I didn't sign up for this. How is it that 'I' am going to miscarry? My mom never miscarried. I'm healthy! He just said that I was in my prime! Did I eat something that I shouldn't have? Did I take too hot of a shower? Did I sleep on my stomach for too long? Whats wrong with me? Something is wrong with me. What am I going to tell Jared? How am I going to tell Jared? Is Jared going to think that there is something wrong with me?

   In the midst of all of this, I was walked up to the front desk and asked to come back in a week. I drove to my parents house and waited until Jared got off work so I could go pick him up and tell him in person. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. So I drove to his work in SLC and picked him up. He got in the car and jokingly asked "So you're still pregnant, right?!" I shook my head and said no. I started to cry. Then I felt Jared's arms wrap around me. He started to cry too. We sat in that parking lot for about 45 minutes before we could start the drive back to Ogden. I can't remember anything from there on out.

   I cried a lot that night. I pretty much didn't stop until I fell asleep. I took that next week off of work and hunkered down at my grandparents or at my parents for the remainder of the week since I didn't know when or where or if I was going to miscarry. My whole entire family was so supportive. I appreciated them so much. But the people who helped me out the most were my grandparents. My grandma and grandpa lost their first child, my aunt Shelly, when she was only a month or so old. Even though the loss was different, they knew what it felt like to experience a loss of a child. They talked to me and comforted me and I felt at peace in their home.

   A week later, I never miscarried. I went in to the Dr. and he did another ultrasound and confirmed that there still wasn't a heartbeat. He said that he wanted me to wait another week to miscarry on my own, but I could get a dnc instead. I chose the dnc. I couldn't stand the thought of having to go through another week of waiting for the unknown. Mentally, I couldn't handle it. I wanted to move on. So the next day I had the dnc done. It was so scary. I didn't know what was going to happen or what exactly they were going to do. I just knew that I was going to be separated from my baby. It was heartbreaking.

   Right before the Dr. put me under, an older nurse looked at me and took my hand and said "I know that everyone is saying that they're sorry and that everything is going to be ok. And everything is going to be ok. But. I know that you really wanted this baby." I started to cry a bit and nodded yes as I fell asleep. I woke up not even 45 mins later and I was in a room with Jared and my mom. It was over.

   Here is a post from my personal blog. I feel like it best expresses how I was feeling at the time.

November 10th 2010

I don't know how I feel about this post yet...but I feel like I need to get it out. In a non-pathetic sort of way. I don't want sympathy. And I definitely don't want to throw myself a pitty party. All I wish to convey is my love for my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, my Husband and my Family. I recently went through the hardest trial of my life. (so far.) And although I never thought I would ever experience or want to experience this trial, I'm grateful that I did.

I've learned so much.

I can see the Tender Mercies of the Lord all around me, I otherwise wouldn't have been able to experience.

I Found a greater reverence for life.

I Found an appreciation for my body and what it's capable of. (weird, I know...)

I Found a deeper more profound love for my husband. I couldn't have gone through this without him.

I Found a greater devotion to do my Heavenly Fathers will, and not my own.

I Found that when all goes wrong, the people that will be there for you are the ones that have been there for you your whole life. Truth.

I Found out how I function under a great deal of sorrow and stress.

I Found a great number of family and friends who have gone through thesame thing as me.

I Found I'm not alone.

Thank you to my devoted husband who takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. Thank you to my family. Dad, Mom, Lib, Couls. For lending a shoulder to cry on, for keeping me from going crazy. Grandma and Grandpa Stock for numerous phone calls and lots of love. Aunt Niki and cousin Maddi for coming to see me. That meant a lot. Mom and Dad Gomez for, again, numerous phone calls full of love and support. Grandma Gomez for sending love my way continuously. Numerous friends who sent texts, facebook comments/messages and phone calls. My neighbors who gave me tons of support and love and who made sure I had a dinner every night. I feel so blessed. Thank you, everyone, for your kinds words and support. Every word was and still is greatly appreciated. I hope I can move on, be brave, learn from the past, and press forward with diligence. Hopefully one day soon, Jared and I will have a little one :)


   After writing this post in 2010 I felt like maybe this was Heavenly Fathers way of telling me that it wasn't the right time for us to have a baby. I came to terms with that. Jared and I could have a longer period of time with 'just the two of us'. I liked that. BUT. Not even a month later I was pregnant again. With Grace! I was a complete wreck for the first 15 weeks. But after getting past the "scary" part of pregnancy(what part isn't though?), I calmed down and was able to really enjoy the life that was growing inside of me. Now I have a beautiful baby.

   So, for the second Thanksgiving in a row, I'm Thankful to have a healthy baby girl. She truly is the apple of our eye. Everything she does is adorable. (even when she farts. whats up with that?) Like I said 2 years ago, I'm grateful for trials. It gives us a new perspective and a helps us to be thankful for the things that we already have. Join me, undone and all, in being extra Thankful for the blessings in our lives. We truly are blessed. I hope that this post might be a help to some of you who are going through tough times. Whatever your trial might be. You aren't alone.



Ashley said...

this brought tears to my eyes - i have never experienced that, but my heart completely aches at the thought, so i can only imagine how it felt to live through it. its times like that that really force us to appreciate the positives in life :)

Whit said...

Hailey that you so much for sharing this experience I know it was hard but you will be helping those around you so much. Although I haven't experience this myself I did have a rough first part of my pregnancy with Holden and thought I lost him a couple times due to bleeding, cramping and bad feelings throughout the whole thing. I dont know why I experienced that since he is hear now but that was hard enough. So thank you for sharing how you pushed through and give sweet Grace an extra squeeze today. You are such a good mom and although I dont know why you went through that I know you are stronger because of it and adore your sweet baby girl so much. I love you hailey you are seriously such a good example to me I just want you to know that. So this thanksgiving season I am thankful to be able to call you my friend.

Pin It button on image hover